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First posting... 16/04/02
To start with here's a few martial arts jokes and
observations for you to enjoy!
Millionaire Master
A millionaire Martial Arts Master always had a party
every year for his new Black Belts to challenge them. As they were
gathered around the huge swimming pool the master said, "This
pool is filled with man-eating sharks; anyone brave enough to jump
in and swim all the way across can have one of three things: my
lovely daughter in marriage, half my liquid cash or all my oil wells."
Just then he heard a loud splash and turned to see a young Black
Belt swimming frantically across the pool and coming out the other
side with only torn clothing. "Amazing", he said, "you're
the first one to ever try it. What do you want..."My
daughter?"
"No", replied the student.
The master so proud to have trained such a humble
student, "Half my liquid cash?"
"No", he replied.
"Ahh, then all my oil wells?"
"No", replied the student.
"Then what do you want, tell me and it shall
be yours." the master asked.
The young man replied, "I want to know who
the Hell pushed me in the pool!"
You Know You've Been In the Martial Arts Too
Long When...
* you say to the salesman in the men's store, "Nice
pants, but I don't think I can kick in them."
* when you want to say "I'm sorry" and
involuntarily bow.
* you go to the shoe store to try on shoes and instead
of walking around the store in the shoes, you practice pivoting,
sweeps, stances and kicks.
* You check to see if the shoe has a sufficiently
hard striking surface and whether it protects the toes well
* "GAK! NO! The *left* side of the bathrobe
goes on top...."
* when you're practicing your arm blocks while driving
down the highway, notice someone in another car staring at you,
and suddenly turn your block into vigorously fanning away an imaginary
fly
* when you use various strikes to turn lights off
and on;
* don your clothing with kicks, thrusts, and punches
* open and close doors with spinning kicks
* find yourself idly doing iaido and kenjitsu moves
with the plastic knives at the fast food place
* haven't gotten over the phase of seeing everybody
walking around with a blanket of little red cross-hairs on all their
vital spots
* leap to your feet and shriek with indignation
while watching "Kung Fu", "Walker, Texas Ranger",
and "Highlander" at home
* deliberately go to see martial arts movies in
the theater so you can leap to your feet and shriek with indignation
during the movie, out in the parking lot, and with all your friends
the next time you're at class
* find yourself practicing bo staff techniques in
miniature with your pencil during dull meetings
* try to back fist the correct floor button on the
inside of the elevator, based on your memory of the button's location,
before you get in far enough to see it
* notice you never stand with your arms crossed
or your hands in your pockets
* tend to keep at least one flavor of martial arts
weapon close at hand by your bed when you sleep
* have at least one fantasy where you are a martial
arts hero and end the fight by saying something *so* cool that you
make Arnold Shwarzenegger and Clint Eastwood look like nervous chatterboxes
* have begun to master the reflex to commit a very
messy homicide when, directly after someone finds out you practice
martial arts, they immediately ask "Are you a Black Belt ???"
* Urge to bow every time you enter or leave a room.
* When standing in line you find yourself practicing
some stance from your art
VARIOUS QUOTES FROM PEOPLE:
* Kempo: Percussion class with people as the drums
* Aikido: Origami with people
* Jiu-jitsu: people who fold your laundry for you----while
you are still wearing it.
* Tai Chi: martial art overdosed on valium...
Minor Martial Arts Dictionary
Aikido:
A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting
him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case
he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.
Arnis:
"Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known
as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand
combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.
Bo:
A stick.
Bokken:
A stick that looks like a sword.
Buddhism:
A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate Asia with
statues of short fat bald men.
Chi:
A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which
in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense,
allows the user to develop super human strength.
Dan:
A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved
the rank of at least first-degree black belt.
Darn:
The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will
now get hit harder and more frequently during training.
Dojo:
"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium.
Very similar to a S&M parlor but without the mistress.
Hakama:
A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like
to talk about it.
Iaido:
"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai
sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around
the principle of "look how big mine is".
Judo:
"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around
cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men
are often closet Hakama wearers.
Jujitsu:
A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly
more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama
wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"
Karate:
"Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose
of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products.
Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list.
This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century.
Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting
with their fists on their hips.
Kata:
A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental
martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that
may involve pain.
Katana:
A sharp metal stick.
Kendo:
A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with
sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??
Kuk Sool Won:
A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master
definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more
expensive.
Kung fu:
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many
of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of
Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while
students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted
off by men in white lab coats.
Master:
A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank
after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving
kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become
a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.
Naginata:
A stick with a sharp bit on the end.
Ninja:
A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night
in his pajamas.
Ninjutsu:
The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas
Sparring:
Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that
you don't know any kata or techniques.
Taekwondo:
An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the
flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.
Tai chi chuan:
Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very
slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop
the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.
Tatami:
"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet
and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose
to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.
Three sectional staff:
Three sticks linked together.
Zen:
The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine
that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission
of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old
and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their
heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a
cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.
Some less martial stuff now...
Bill Gates dies and is up at the
pearly gates.
St Peter: Well, you've got a choice.
Have a look around here. Pop down to
Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let
me know
your decision.
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's
of somber people singing hymns,
praising the Lord.
He goes down to Hell. There are
beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand,
attractive women. Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He
loves it. He
goes back to St Peter.
Gates: Look, I know you're really
doing good things here, but Hell seems
more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard
feelings,
but I pick Hell.
St Peter: No worries. You've got
it.
Bill finds himself back in Hell,
neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering
eternal torment. He can't figure it out.
Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are
the beautiful girls and long beaches and
cool drinks?
St Peter: Sorry if you got confused,
That was just the demo version
After her fifth child, Lucy decided
that she should have some cosmetic
surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former
youthful glory because
her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out
fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with
five
children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here
and a tuck
there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a Cornish
Pastie.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three
roses
at the end of the bed. Who are these from?" she asked the nurse,
"They're
very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them".
"Well" said
the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went
so well and
you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ah, that's
really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband
- he's delighted
the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.
Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years
and he's
very excited!" "Brilliant!" said Lucy." "And
the third?". "That's from Eric
in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to
say thanks for his new
ears."
A young woman had been taking golf
lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered
a bee
sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the
clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why
are you back in
so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee."
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Your stance is too wide."
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...
Bad - You can't find your birth
control pills.
Worse - Your daughter has them.
Bad - You find a porno movie in your son's room.
Worse - You've seen it before.
Worst - You're in it.
Bad - Your kids are sexually active.
Worse - With each other.
Bad - Your husband is a cross-dresser.
Worse - He looks better than you.
Bad - You're arrested for flashing.
Worse - The victim decides it's not worth pressing charges.
Worst - The victim laughs at you.
Bad - Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse - She's a lawyer.
Good - Your son has become religious.
Bad - He joined a cult.
Worse - He's going to be a sacrifice.
Good - You see your wife naked for the first time
in months.
Bad - You're reading Penthouse.
Worse - So is your father.
Good - You come home for a quickie.
Bad - So did the mailman.
Good - You come home for a quickie.
Bad - Your wife walks in.
Good - Your mother-in-law is going home.
Bad - To put her house up for sale.
Good - Your wife buys a new black dress.
Bad - It's for your funeral.
Good - Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad - She weighs 300 pounds.
Good - Your wife meets you at the door naked.
Bad - She's coming home.
Worse - From work.
Good - Your wife's kinky.
Bad - With the neighbors.
Worse - Some of the neighbors are your relatives.
Worst - Some of the neighbors are her relatives.
The following were answers provided by 6th graders
during a history test.
Some of best humour is in the spelling.
===================================================
>1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote
in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
>2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without ingredients. Moses
went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.
>3. Soloman had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
>4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.
>5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advise. They killed him. Socretes died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
>6.In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java.
>7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "tee hee, Brutus"
>8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw.
>9. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. as a queen, she was
a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah."
>10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible, another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigaretts and started smoking. Sir Francis
Drake circumsized the world with a 100 foot clipper.
>11.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
>12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. He
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
>13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Ben Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790
and is still dead.
>14.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln
went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors
in a moving picture show. This ruined Booth's career.
>15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and
had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large.
>16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this.
>17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman
Curie discovered the radio. Charles Darwin was a naturlist who wrote
the Organ of the Species. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
A little girl came home from school and said to
her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something
that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have
a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it
that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
The child comes home from his first
day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Little Johnny returns from school
and says he got an F in arithmetic.
His father asks: "Why?"
Johnny says: "The teacher asked me 'How much is 2x3?' and I
said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Johnny: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father reacts: "What's the fucking difference?"
Johnny: "That's exactly what I said!"
While marking her pupil's social
studies test papers, the teacher was in a quandry about the answer
given by one of the third-graders. Asked to name the four major
directions, she wrote:
"Listen carefully. Write neatly. Sit up straight. Raise your
hand."
The following question
appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a
skyscraper with a barometer."
One enterprising student replied: "You tie
a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower
the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The
length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal
the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner
that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on
the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university
appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct,
but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve
the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him
six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed
at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat
in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him
that time was running out, to which the student replied that he
had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his
mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied
as follows:
"One, you could take the barometer up to the
roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time
it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then
be worked out from the formula H =3D 1/2gt squared (height equals
half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.
"Two, if the sun is shining you could measure
the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the
length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's
shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic
to work out the height of the skyscraper.
"Three, if you wanted to be highly scientific
about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer
and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on
the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference
in the gravitational restoring force (T = 3D 2 pi sqr root of l
over g).
"Four, if the skyscraper has an outside emergency
staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height
of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"Five, if you merely wanted to be boring and
orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure
air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard
air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars
into feet to give the height of the building.
"Six, since we are constantly being exhorted
to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly
the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to
him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me
the height of this skyscraper.'"
The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.'
A man was walking home alone late
one night when he hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him,
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin bouncing
quickly behind him...
faster...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him...
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the
coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.... .
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming
in sobbing gasps...
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping
and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something , anything ... his hand
comes to rest on a large bottle of Benelyn
Desperate, he throws the Benelyn as hard as he can at the apparition.......
and ...........
Finally ...........
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
.......................the
coffin stops.
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with
2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The control centre in the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television
screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure
in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release
oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature,
and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to
stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel
compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does
the
carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis
of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again:
"Woman, please woman approach the screen." She sits down
and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....
"I know I know... Feed the monkeys, don't touch
anything..."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to
the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 pence."
"ONE PENCE!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I
have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all
that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 Pence," he replies.
"FOUR PENCE!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy
who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."
Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided
that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it
for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running
up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled
a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered
assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the
stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on
the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing
suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Sarah
asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides,
I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight.
Dear Helpdesk,
A friend is having trouble with his system. Last
year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which
he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there
are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was
to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make
matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playstation
6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0
had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut
down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing
Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0, only to discover that
when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage
to all his hardware. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée
1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid
upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst 1.0 uses up all available
resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000
plus GreatMealsOnTable {Guaranteed for a limited period}.
But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can
be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically
stored in Wife Hard Drive and cannot be deleted - they then resurface
months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra
STROP and WHINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work,
leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint
needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new
attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week.
Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law,
which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress
2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the
presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all M5 Money files before
un-installing itself.
Any ideas?
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching
her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep
Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough
on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough
up with
her vagina.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll
guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life,"
said her mother.
So the girl practised and practised until
her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the
bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit
dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted
her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous
fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and
backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped
further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit,
I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
True story...
A female news reader who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half
the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A little boy walks into his parents room to see
his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts.
Worried about what her son has seen she dress's quickly and goes
to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you
and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy,
and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.
"You're wasting your time," says the boy
"Why is that?" asked his mum, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping, the lady next door
comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
A couple of weeks ago, I was rushing around trying
to get some last minute Xmas shopping done. I hate shopping, I was
stressed out and thinking Bah Bloody Humbug. It was dark, cold,
and wet in the car park as I was loading my car up with gifts that
I felt I had to buy for people I don't even like that much. I noticed
that I had dropped a receipt that I might need later if my mother
wanted to take back the awful scarf I'd bought for her. So mumbling
under my breath, I retraced my steps through the car park.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost
receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly
dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just
wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's
chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a 50 quid note in
his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked
him what was wrong. He told me this sad story. He said that he came
from a large family. He had seven brothers and eight sisters. His
father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly
educated and worked two full time jobs as well as doing cleaning
work. She made very little to support her large family.
Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save
enough to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had
been dropped off, by his mother, with two 50 pound notes, on the
way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for
all the family and save just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered the shop, when an older
boy grabbed one of the notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
The poor boy stared at the pavement with tears
streaming from his eyes and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I asked.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered,
"Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard
that poor boys terrible cry for help.
So I grabbed his other fifty and ran to my car.
Notice to be placed above CPU monitor at work.
AUCHTUNG!
ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS
Das computenmachine is nicht fur
gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.
Is easy schnappen der springwerk,
blownfusen, und poppenoorken mit spittzensparken.
Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.
Das rubbernecken signtseeren keepen hands in das pockets--relaxen
und watch das blinkenlights.
IBM has been trying to increase market
share by recruiting to more obscure markets for Internet access.
They've even attempted to get the monasteries connected to the Internet.
At one small monastery in France, the monsignor, Father Jean-Paul,
was not interested in getting access to the Internet, but one monk,
Brother William, tried to persuade him. As an additional incentive,
IBM even offered to give them free access for one year. The Father
finally agreed but only under strict conditions that the monk would
only use the Internet for Biblical research.
Brother William started using the Internet and became amazed at
the amount of information available. He downloaded texts of the
Dead Sea Scrolls, Biblical commentaries, and talked with people
who studied the ancient Greek and Hebrew languages. Father Jean-Paul
was impressed with the research done and the amount of information
available, but continued to warn Brother William about the temptations
of the Internet.
Well, Brother William continued his research, and soon he became
a bit of an authority himself on Biblical matters. Soon, people
were e-mailing him for information on the Bible and spiritual matters.
He would answer their questions and even set up his own "Dear
Monk" web site. He even started sending out weekly heart warming
stories about how God was working in people's lives. Eventually
he noticed that many people kept asking the same questions over
and over, so he created a little booklet of frequently asked questions
about God. But now Brother William had a dilemma. He knew that according
to human nature, people value information more if they have to pay
for it, but he had taken a vow of poverty and did not want any money.
So, he decided to set up charity fund for widows and orphans, and
all proceeds from his booklets would go to charity. So Brother William
setup an Internet business where people would order one of his booklets,
and he would send it to them after they sent a small amount of money
to the charity fund.
When Father Jean-Paul discovered what Brother William had done,
he discharged him immediately from the monastery. For it seems that
the Father did not like his monk e-business.
Swine Flu ALERT!
Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility
of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months.
Please be conscious of the indications that you or members of your
family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus.
The symptoms associated with this disease are:
1.) Sore throat
2.) Slight headache
3.) Moderate to high temperature
4.) Nausea or upset stomach
5.) Uncontrollable urge to fuck in the mud
It's just a bunch of 'punnes'
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen
defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
And then if a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
The Japanese Banking Crisis--New
Developments
.
Origami Bank has folded,
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and
Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and
500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi
Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Each time we get around to Christmas there is a
little problem that has been worrying me since late adolescence.
No, not that kind of problem but rather… how does he do it?
There are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
with most of them being insects and germs.
There are no known species of flying Reindeer, except of course
those owned by Santa Claus.
There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18 years
of age), but since Santa appears not to visit Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and Buddhist children, that reduces his workload to 15% of the total,
i.e. about 378 million according to recent population surveys.
At an average rate of 2.5 children per household, that makes 91.8
million homes.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas in which to work, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming that
he travels East to West.
This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
That is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, jump out and
down the chimney, fill the stockings and pillow cases, distribute
the remaining parcels under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been
left, get back up the chimney and onto the sleigh and move on to
the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth, (which of course we know they are not), we are
talking about 0.78 miles per household.
A total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what
most of us need to do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
and watering the Reindeers.
This means that Santa's sleigh must travel at least 650 miles per
second, 3000 times the speed of sound.
For the purposes of comparison, the fastest human made vehicle,
the Ulysses space probe, and moves at a porky 27.4 miles per second.
A conventional reindeer can run at, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than one medium sized
present (some hopes) weighing about 2 pounds, the sleigh must be
carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa who is generally described
as a bit porky. On land a conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds!
Even allowing that a 'flying reindeer' could pull ten times the
normal amount, we could not do the job with eight or even ten.
We would need 214,200 reindeer.
This then increases the payload, not even counting the weight of
the sleigh, to 353,432 tons.
Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the QE2.
353,432 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance, which will heat up the reindeer in the same way
as a spacecraft entering the earth's atmosphere.
The leading pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy per second.
Each.
In short, they will spontaneously combust, exposing the pair behind
them to the same fate and create deafening sonic booms in their
wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
of a second.
Santa meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500
times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (now who's being generous)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of
force.
In conclusion - if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas
Eve, he's dead now!
Foundations.
This enquiry is based on the premise that there is only one Santa
Claus.
The calculations work out more realistically if we assume some form
of 'parallel processing'.
A thousand Santa's (1 kilosanta) or a million (1 megasanta) or more,
working in parallel, could perform the same number of visits in
the same allotted time with less advanced technology and fewer vaporized
reindeers.
One other point: Who does the Air Traffic Control for a megasanta?
A million sleighs and 12 million reindeer occupy a significant amount
of airspace.
If we assume that each reindeer team, including sleigh and Santa
needs no more than 5 feet of vertical airspace, which leaves very
little room for error as we know that the average reindeer with
antlers is 5 feet tall, then a megasanta requires almost 947 miles
of vertical space.
This also disregards the fact that each Santa must make frequent
landings.
The airspace at chimney height will therefore be in great demand
and will be disproportionately crowded particularly as Christmas
celebrating households tend to be densely clustered in the same
geographic area.
It seems likely that a megasanta, while perhaps avoiding vaporized
reindeer, would suffer huge casualties from mid air sleigh collisions.
I wonder if my mum and dad were really telling me the truth?
Merry Christmas all of you and the very best for the New Year…
COPS
This man was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left
the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom
window. Then he looked for himself and saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, but they told
him that no one was in his area to help, so he said ok, hung up,
counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just
called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars, an Armed
Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen
said to this man: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece
on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
NAIVE
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and
you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
Why is it that a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. . . does that mean that
one enjoys it?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so
the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive or play
golf.
Phrases of Wisdom......
------------------------
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
5. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
6. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
7. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
8. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
9. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
10. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he
was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs
that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd in a moment's notice when there was no
food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who
just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more
work for Him to do.
We know Jesus was a woman
1. Talked too much
2. Thought he could walk on water
3. Caused more trouble and war than any dictator
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the
actual AP headline)
Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws,and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
up, with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her
head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay,
and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and
had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called
the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked
and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When
she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Lisa is a blonde.
And Finally
THE STELLA AWARDS
You never know what a jury will award..."Richard
G. Sheperd" wrote: Now, we have the Stella Awards given to
the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits ever.
The Stella Awards are named in honor of 81 year-old
Stella Liebeck, the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup
of McDonald's coffee on herself.
The following are candidates for the Award:
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas,
was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle,
tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture
store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at
the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was
Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles
won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his
hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there
was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal
his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa.,
was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage.
He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic
door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house
and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation.
Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the
garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him
undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million
dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock,
Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten
on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was
on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams
was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because
the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr.Williams
who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.
5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was
ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on
the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE, successfully
sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred
while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies
room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000
and dental expenses.
Let's not forget to give our lawyers and judges
a round of applause too!
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